I look towards....the FUTURE!!

Ahhhhhhh!! Please realize, it's not the future that scares me; just the decisions I need to make to get there. Until about 4 days ago, I knew what I was gonna do.. *ahem* "cosmotology college, starting three days after my sister's wedding" *end ahem* Now, I reconsider. One of the reasons to start at Josef's right now was in order to pay my way through massage therapy, and then probably St. Mary's. But then I sit down and THINK about it all, and realize that if I wait even two years to go to SMs, virtually everyone I know in the school will be gone. And further, there isn't that much of a market for 'beauty care' in that neck of the woods anyway, so not much moola. Plus, classes start at J's just after Ashley's wedding, I won't have made enough money to cover costs by then, AND Mom isn't too keen on my starting there just now. If I were to attend St. Mary's this fall, I would have all summer to work full time. I know, the arguments are piling up high.
And on the other side? I really really want to get into cosmotology asap cuz I would love it. I could have a whole year's experience before leaving home, keep close to my friends here. And, despite the 30 college credits I already have, I'd still need to be in SMs for two years. How much will I miss at home: Celine growing up, church acquaintances and activities (i.e. how will the choir survive? *teases*), all that.

And now I tell myself that I have to move on and do what I think's best all around; and STOP worrying how they will cope on the homefront. They will always manage, just as they did when the other kids left. That's all. okay. *walks off*

*peeks back* Help me, you guys. !!!!

Lost to Me

As I watch you walk down that road,
many thoughts crawl into my head.
About how many times we, you and I,
traversed the same piece of land;
speaking, dreaming, planning, or just, silence.
Our many condolences and secrets bared and shared.
How is it that you can speak to him on our hallowed ground,
watered and blessed by tears from us both?
What is it you tell,
feel,
that I cannot feel with you?
Am I the one to blame; my inadequacies the root of it all?
Or is it a course of life and time; to be again so left behind?
To weep and yet pretend to smile;
wishes of joy where professions of selfishness better match the need.
In my malcontent, there is an underlying greed, of which I know,
and refuse to quench.
But you are my own no longer,
and this I must accept.
Our curt dismissals and rapturous sighs will never revisit us, together.
And while I may soon feel that love again, it will not be with you,
but another.